“Don’t go.”

Where were those promises you said?
Of joy and glee, fame and wonder,
eyes twinkling with childish naivety,
with a smile on your face,
as the sunset neared.
As you raced after ambition, I shouted after you,
“Don’t go, don’t go.”

Then morning came and you lay on your bed,
Eyes awake but your heart asleep,
and the crimson flowed between your lips,
with shock fallen unto my own lips.
And all I could hear was chaos around me,
but all I could think was, “Don’t go,”
“Don’t go.”

A day passes and I stand in disbelief,
Delayed tears making an appearance,
I stand before you and whisper,
“Don’t go, don’t go.”

Death

Typhoid.
An infectious bacteria that causes severe rashes.
Malaria.
Fevers caused by parasites inside mosquitoes.
Tuberculosis.
Infectious bacterial disease that grows in the tissues and lungs.

They used to say that illnesses are black magic.

Cancer.
A disease caused by an abnormal division of cells.
Tumor.
Swelling in a part of the body caused by an abnormal tissue.
Stroke.
Sudden disabling attack or loss of consciousness.

They used to say that sickness is from the blood.

Influenza.
A highly contagious viral infection causing fever.
Bronchitis.
Inflammation of mucous membranes in the bronchial tubes.

They say now that each symptom is treatable, curable, nothing.

HIV/AIDS.
Human immunodeficiency virus, acquired immune deficiency syndrome.

But is it really?

Heart diseases.
Brain cell death.
Virus.

Or are they just really

Coughing.
Sneezing.
Fever.
Puking.
Sweating.
Hot.
Cold.

Only another word for

Bruising.
Bleeding.
Burning.
Sleeping.
Responding.
Falling.
Breathing.

Death?

I can’t sing.

At all. Birds would suddenly fall out of the sky from pain if they heard me sing.

However, singing is a hobby of mine. Whenever I’m in the car or in a room alone, I would always sing along. It’s fun, to be completely honest.

But right now, singing is almost essential to me in a few ways.

Whenever I hear this song by Avicii, tears would well up if I don’t hold them down, and I probably would have cried if I hadn’t sang along.

When I sing along, it feels like the tears disappear. My voice may crack somewhat, but I don’t feel like I’d cry. Whenever I do feel like crying, all I have to do is sing the song or tap out the rhythm, and I’d be fine.

Especially since, I feels free afterwards. Similar to a sense of carthasis.

And in this moment, that is priceless to me.

It’s hard being the youngest,

When your family’s in mourning and you’re still a kid, at least, and I’ll tell you why.

Because you’re expected to cheer them up and you have to hide your sadness.

When people come to offer their condolences, they will tell your parents, “Stay strong, it’s God’s will.”

Then they’ll tell you, “Stay strong for your parents, you have to be their happiness.”

You have to force yourself to act cheerful, to distract them from their own depression. But at the same time, you can’t cry. If you cry, they’ll be worried about you and they’ll go further into depression. And you can’t have that, you don’t want to see them cry.

You have to know when they’ll cry, when their eyebrows come together on scrunched up faces. Then you have to hug them and tell sweet nothings.

You have to act strong, like nothing’s wrong. You can’t tell them anything, or they’ll worry they’re not good parents. You can’t let them in, you can’t let anyone in.

The only one you can rely on is the locked, empty room.

You can’t be beaten down, you have to stand up and walk in your spot.

You won’t be angry, you won’t be frustrated, you won’t smother yourself.

You’ll just be tired from your charade.

WordPress existed out of school?

WordPress is famous in my school, but not because all the kids were extremely creative and willing to create blogs to showcase their talents, but because the school created blogs for every student using WordPress’ dashboards. Sure, there were those few students who were willing to upload their art, but everyone else would groan whenever the teacher told us to review the day’s lesson in a blog post. A few of us who were expert procrastinators didn’t update for months, and the blogs were all left in the dust after we didn’t need them anymore.

After we had graduated from high school, I was cleaning up my friend’s browser (because she had way too many tabs for any sane person) and noticed that her laptop had WordPress’ dashboard open. At first I was confused, she couldn’t have been that lazy to close a site that we hadn’t used for months now, right? Then I realized that her username was different, and that the URL wasn’t that of the school’s. I clicked on her website and saw that it was filled with pictures of wildlife and completely free of school notes.

Oooooh.

I commented on how lovely her blog is, and then the scramble for her laptop began. She desperately closed Chrome while I desperately tried to remember her URL. I succeeded.

I kept quiet for a while, until it was time for me to leave. Right before I entered the car, I told her that I knew what her blog’s address. She scolded me, and feeling just a tiny bit of guilt, I told her that I’d make my blog too and that I’d tell her later so that we would be even.

So then this was made, and in my head, we’re even.

Hey Gary,

To be honest, I don’t really know what to say or if I can even promise to keep my tears back. Kind of doubt it, I’ve been feeling sad far more than usual now. Some days I look up and I see you sitting on the bed that we awkwardly placed in the living room, just playing the PS4 with your headset on. Do you remember that sometimes, I’d play my laptop next to you, and then I’d talk into your headset to confuse your friend that you were talking to over the microphone?

Those were good times, wasn’t it?
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Feels Like I’ve Grown

Though I am probably not the right person nor am I the right age to say that haha

But in a way, I do feel like I’ve grown a bit. I just read my own posts from this September and I feel embarrassed by it, the same embarrassment one would feel if they read the emo poems of their 13 year old selves. Yes, my 18 year old self is soooo much younger than my 18 year and 2 month old self haha

I don’t know exactly why, perhaps the events I went through made me grow in a way that I didn’t catch myself, but whatever the case, I still feel pretty embarrassed.

You know that one thing I’m gonna have to acknowledge

Is that this blog is very, very depressing haha

And sometimes it feels weird because for some reason, it feels as if you’re supposed to be in a grieving period but sometimes you’re happy because you just are, but that doesn’t seem to always sit right.

And hopefully, this blog is going to be more cheerful as time passes on, so don’t be surprised if I act far more casual and trivial from now on.