Ironically, I have been having trouble to cope with death of late. Not regarding my brother this time around, no, but this is completely different. I’ve been having immense difficulties in watching the recent news of terrorism overseas or of hardships and inequality that people face everyday. I’ve been crying over events, I’ve have been deeply depressed about it. All for people I don’t even know.
It was bad, really bad depression. I couldn’t cope with it, I didn’t know why I had become so sad all of the sudden (I never felt so much sadness over a news article until two months ago) and I didn’t know why it was so overwhelming. It was so much I just didn’t want to feel, I didn’t want to be here at all.
Where this gets fucked up was my thought process of this. After having had experienced loss before, I didn’t want to make my family go through it again. Of course, that means I shouldn’t commit suicide right? No, not really, it just meant that my family should have come with me, and then their friends and family too, and then their friends and family. The world is too dirty anyways, it’s much better if everyone was just gone: all the innocent wouldn’t have to experience pain and sadness, while those evil get what they deserve anyways.
Over time, this feeling has lessened considerably. Mostly because I just avoid the news now, it’s also much better considering the number of terrorist attacks have died down. Though I haven’t thought this way recently, I feel like if the number of deaths were to spike again, I would recert back to that same thought process.
I don’t think I have it in me to actually kill myself, let alone the people that I love and care for, but the thoughts are there. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I should be afraid of myself, other times it just feels like the most logical conclusion (I value logical thinking over anything else, even if this doesn’t sound logical right now) anyone would’ve come up with considering the situation of our world.
People have told me that it’s natural, you know, for people to die. I laugh at that, no, you can’t say shit about what a natural death is. I’ve experienced loss before: my brother died in his sleep, that is a natural death. Cancer, stroke, heart attacks, meningitis, old age; those are all natural deaths, and I’ve come to terms with it. What is not natural is when someone pulls a trigger on a perfectly healthy person, or when they get stabbed, or when a bomb explodes.
That is not a natural death, and it will never be one. It’s not, it just isn’t.