I’ve ran 6 out of the past 8 days,

And I’ve been feeling really proud of myself. 

Sure, it hasn’t been the whole week, but I’m actually starting to get into a routine. The only reason why I have two days off is because the 6th was my birthday (so I wanted to treat myself) and today’s lazy day (unless I feel like running soon, which I may, if not I’ll think of this as cheat day).

They’re just 30 minute runs per day, I don’t add anything much more aside from that. Mostly because I live in a small flat so I can’t do indoor exercises without being watched by my flatmates, and the gym is way too far away for me right now (though I’ll be living way closer to it next year). 

But sometimes, I don’t even do a full 30 minute run, I run for 3-4 minutes at a time then walk for 1-2 minutes since I get too tired. It’s something that I’m working on and one of my main goals is to be able to run for a full 30 minutes by the end of this month. I do run around a hill with a pretty high incline though, so I guess it balances itself out.

I’m also taking this way more seriously than I used to, especially since I live by myself now and feed myself. I eat oatmeal every morning instead of bread to cut out white carbs, and once I get my smoothie maker (today hopefully) I’ll start making smoothies for dinner instead. Lunch I’ll keep as per normal because I get extremely grumpy if I don’t have food, and I feel it’s best to jave that boost of energy then.

With all this, hopefully I’ll be able to achieve my goal for this month and lose as much weight as possible. I’ll weigh myself tomorrow and see if I’ve made any progress over the week (no matter how small).

Here’s to achieving all of our goals! ūüôā


Just wondering,

Has anyone ever worked in a profession that is the main focus in a soap opera (Law and Justice, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, House M.D.) and thought to themselves, “Man, I wish I actually work¬†like that”?

I realised that I’m stubborn-minded,

Well, to be honest, I’ve always known that about myself. I’ve been actively trying to change it too, becoming more open-minded to other people’s suggestions and following other people’s leads as well. I feel that I’ve been developing well in this aspect recently, but I’ve only just now realised that I don’t feel the same way about my writing.

I’ve recently joined this fiction-critique site called Scribophile, where writers put up their works on the site and we critique each other (You can find me on there under the name Jane Karina if you want). It’s a very good site and the people there are amazingly helpful, especially with their constructive criticism.

Yet, to my very weak mind, I find myself defending my work a lot. Well, I don’t say it out loud, but I do find myself just mentally defending it. For things like grammar, sentence structure, using the correct words, I understand where the criticism comes from and I embrace it (especially since I’ve always been weak in grammar), but things related to my choice of words for that particular story I find myself hurt by.

I’m not saying the reviewers are wrong, far from it, they’re only trying to help after all! I just can’t help myself but feel this way, but I am also actively trying to not be so thin-skinned and just embrace the fact that I can’t please everyone. It’s quite hard, but then again, I’m only human too.


I forgot to do one yesterday (my bad), so I’ll do two today instead.

#8: Write about two people seeing each other for the first time.

Your eyes seduce me,
Alluring and seductive,
The hint of embers in your dark eyes hold no remorse,
No hesitation as they pull me in.

Your eyes lure me in,
Never once blinking away,
Your stare burning into my eyes,
Your grasp searing my skin into yours.

Your eyes entrap me,
The smoky look in your eyes,
As you grab me close towards you,
Almost as if you are afraid I will flee.

(Don’t worry I will not leave.)
(I am yours for all eternity.)
(Even if my flesh turns to mud.)
(Even if my heart turns to ash.)

My overall goal

Will be to lose 10 kg by the end of this year (that means in three months). I’ve only started this month, but I’m enthusiastic (and a bit overwhelmed) that I can achieve it.

My goal for this month will be to lose at least 3 kg, hopefully more if I want to reach my overall goal. I’ll weigh myself later, when I can find one, that will be my starting point. I’ll weigh myself each week to see how I do.

Here’s to achieving my goal!

I’ve recently become feminine,

Which makes me sound as if I was a manly, masculine monster until a second ago, but never mind that.

For most of my childhood, I was a very tomboyish kid. I used to love Pokemon and Digimon, I would have lots of stuffed toys or figurines of them (my parents bought me Barbie because I thought I would like it, but in the end I used Barbie as the evil sorceress of an imaginary game I played with all of my figurines). I’ve been an avid gamer throughout my life (still am) and I’ve never gotten into the fashion/hot guys/make up craze, even in high school.

A lot of friends knew me as that tomboyish person, and because of that, I felt as if I had a reputation to uphold. I abhorred dresses and anything feminine-related, because it wouldn’t fit my style, and also because I thought I would look bad in it. I was also afraid that people would think of me as weird if I suddenly showed up in a skirt or a dress, and would think I look bad in it or something like that.

But in the end, I kind of realised that I have actually been wanting to dress up once I have grown up. I have caught myself slyly peeking at fashion magazines, just seeing the cute and beautiful outfits that others seem to fit so perfectly well. Sometimes I would imagine what I would look in them, and only then I realised that I shouldn’t run away from what I really wanted to do: learn how to become more feminine.

I’ve been taking small steps towards this, such as playing with my hair in different styles and trying to dress up just a tiny bit each day (with scarves or something like that). I haven’t touched make up yet, but one day I will.

I know a few girls don’t actually feel feminine even once they grow up, my cousin always wears a tuxedo to formal events instead of a dress and she’s fine with it. But for those who do repress it, embrace it instead. You’ll feel much better about it and I felt much more confident knowing that I could wear skirts and dresses too.

To be honest,

I think every blog out there has something interesting to say, no matter what it is. Even if you only have a few followers, it doesn’t mean that you have a boring blog, but rather I believe that you just haven’t learnt yet the actual way to gain followers: reading other blogs. But that’s something I’ll focus on another time.

I follow what, a thousand blogs maybe? All on WordPress, some of them have only started while others have been going on for years (and half is probably inactive, I know because if they were active, my feed would be buzzing every minute). No, it’s actually not a lot of posts that I have to go through, surprisingly. Then again, I do go through posts quite quick.

But I’ve realised that most of the posts I go through are very interesting to me, and I almost always have something to say about it (I comment quite a lot). I might just have a really low standard, but I really don’t think so. I do believe that all blogs are really interesting.

So if you’re out there, wondering if you should stop because you feel like no one’s reading what you’re writing, then please don’t stop. You are interesting, so never stop writing.

It’s not natural.

Ironically, I have been having trouble to cope with death of late. Not regarding my brother this time around, no, but this is completely different. I’ve been having immense difficulties in watching the recent news of terrorism overseas or of hardships and inequality that people face everyday. I’ve been crying over events, I’ve have been deeply depressed about it. All for people I don’t even know.

It was bad, really bad depression. I couldn’t cope with it, I didn’t know why I had become so sad all of the sudden (I never felt so much sadness over a news article until two months ago) and I didn’t know why it was so overwhelming. It was so much I just didn’t want to feel, I didn’t want to be here at all.

Where this gets fucked up was my thought process of this. After having had experienced loss before, I didn’t want to make my family go through it again. Of course, that means I shouldn’t commit suicide right? No, not really, it just meant that my family should have come with me, and then their friends and family too, and then their friends and family. The world is too dirty anyways, it’s much better if everyone was just gone: all the innocent wouldn’t have to experience pain and sadness, while those evil get what they deserve anyways.

Over time, this feeling has lessened considerably. Mostly because I just avoid the news now, it’s also much better considering the number of terrorist attacks have died down. Though I haven’t thought this way recently, I feel like if the number of deaths were to spike again, I would recert back to that same thought process.

I don’t think I have it in me to actually kill myself, let alone the people that I love and care for, but the thoughts are there. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I should be afraid of myself, other times it just feels like the most logical conclusion (I value logical thinking over anything else, even if this doesn’t sound logical right now) anyone would’ve come up with considering the situation of our world.

People have told me that it’s natural, you know, for people to die. I laugh at that, no, you can’t say shit about what a natural death is. I’ve experienced loss before: my brother died in his sleep, that is a natural death. Cancer, stroke, heart attacks, meningitis, old age; those are all natural deaths, and I’ve come to terms with it. What is not natural is when someone pulls a trigger on a perfectly healthy person, or when they get stabbed, or when a bomb explodes.

That is not a natural death, and it will never be one. It’s not, it just isn’t.

I’m going back to writing,

And for a while now, I’ve been working on this small project called¬†Of Death. Since, you know, seeing as I write about death a lot anyways.

It’s essentially a novella (maybe, I have no idea how long it’ll be yet, probably won’t even reach novella standards) that,¬†in the first part,¬†describes short stories (very short, we’re not even talking one A4 page long here) of varying experiences of death. These are all different from each other and they feel quite episodic in nature, but it is quite depressing too. I haven’t posted a lot of the short stories that I’ve included of¬†Of Death, but I did include¬†Hopelessness, seeing as they were one theme anyways.

The second part of the novella consists of a guy who narrowly escapes death, but in doing so, a lot of the people around him die in his stead. A lot like¬†Final Destination¬†now that I think about it, well there’s no vision or premonition about deaths though. It’s also not as if death is chasing him but more of luring him until he fucks up kinda thing.

My writing style for this can be said as really, really unrealistic, as in high on LSD. To be honest, I don’t know how to describe it, because it’s not anything ‘normal’, it’s not like it’s above average but it’s ‘weird’. Like I’m describing scenes differently than I should do. It’s probably a hit-or-miss, but I feel it works for the theme of the novella, and I’m really enjoying experimenting with it.

I would love love¬†love having someone or a group of people I could write with, because I will be busy during he whole of November so NaNoWriMo is out of the question. If anyone is interested, please do comment or send me a message. I would just love having someone to write it and I love reading what other people have written too. I also have no idea if I’ll publish this since it’s a novella, but I’ll think about that once I’m almost finished with it (editing included).

Other than that, I may post a couple of chapters once I feel like I’m getting some progress into it. It’s going slow, and although I’m up to part two, I have no idea where it’s going and what I’m going to do with it. I will probably update on this regularly though, so keep an eye out!