To be honest, I don’t really know what to say or if I can even promise to keep my tears back. Kind of doubt it, I’ve been feeling sad far more than usual now. Some days I look up and I see you sitting on the bed that we awkwardly placed in the living room, just playing the PS4 with your headset on. Do you remember that sometimes, I’d play my laptop next to you, and then I’d talk into your headset to confuse your friend that you were talking to over the microphone?
Those were good times, wasn’t it?
You know, Last Week Tonight released a new episode yesterday, I think, I haven’t watched it yet though. It’s going to be different to not watch it with you, not to sit with you beside me with that cluster of pillows laying around in a mess. We have too many pillows, haha, but we don’t know where to put it, and then the bed supposed to seat four only seats two and approximately five pillows. Now a spot is empty.
What hurts most is to enter a restaurant and to sit at a table with an empty chair next to me. Why don’t restaurants start seating people on round tables that would only fit three?
I remember the times when you would always beg me to play with you. You would enthusiastically drag me to the game you just found and would force me to try it. No matter what it was. I would always decline, disinterested, but even then, you would never stop showing me other stuff that you liked. Thinking back now, I’m touched that you still wanted to play with me no matter how many times I said no.
Now it feels like a lost opportunity.
It feels like gaming is our biggest bond, you know? We always played games together, be it co-op or competitive. I am a sore loser, by the way, that is the reason why I said I never liked playing anymore whenever I lost. I think you know this by now. You’d always been smart at figuring me out, and you were the only one who could scare and surprise me, even though I would always play it off as if you failed.
I didn’t know if you noticed, but I’ve been playing your 2DS in your room now, whenever I miss you. The same 2DS that you wouldn’t hesitate to lend me because it contained our favorite games: Phoenix Wright and Professor Layton. I bought the crossover game shortly after you died, you know, and it was a bit hard at first since you would always help me whenever I was stuck, but I finally finished it. There were such amusing characters in the game. One character even had a big fish to slap Phoenix with, and I instantly thought that I just had to show you just how big of a fish it was! Haha, the game was really fun.
I really miss you, and I really wish that you’re here again. Sometimes when I’m desperate, I try to convince myself that it’s all just a nightmare, that I’d wake up to see you playing, and then I’d run up to you and then just hug you real tight. But that hasn’t happened, and it won’t happen.
I thought I’d be the one to leave you when I go off for college, didn’t think that you’d be the one to leave me.
Oh, did you also know that I work now? You’ve heard me talk about it last time, but I hadn’t been working then. I’m only an intern, though, so it’s not a hard or demanding job. Most times, I don’t have anything to do, like right now, so I think of you.
It’s really hard to think of positive thoughts when I’m the pessimist in the family, you know? Sometimes I do, and I recall the times when we were together, and I’d cry. There’s really no winning against it, either way I’d cry.
But for you, I’ll try harder to hold back my tears, I’ll try harder to smile. Because even though it’s nearly impossible to imagine a world where you’re not here beside me, I have to accept it as my reality, and I’ll walk on for the both of us.
So please smile for me too.